It Started to Snow

 December 8:   6:00 PM.  It started to snow.  The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again.  I love snow!



  December 9:  We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?  Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had.  Shoveled for the first time in years, felt
like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect
life.



  December 12:  The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a
disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a
nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



  December 14:  Snow, lovely snow!  8" last night.  The temperature
dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



  December 15:  20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out.  I think that's silly.  We aren't in Alaska,
after all.....we're in Minnesota!



  December 16:   Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I think was very cruel.



  December 17:  Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go
anywhere.  Electricity was off for five hours.  I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try
not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her.  Damn I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



  December 20:  Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night.  More shoveling.  Took all day. Damn snowplow came
by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and
they're out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me.  I think he's lying.



  December 22:  Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt 'til August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel, and then I had to pee.  By the time I got undressed,
peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel!  Tried to hire Bob,
who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says
he's too busy.  I think the asshole is lying.



  December 23:  Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0".  The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What,
is she nuts!!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She
says she did, but I think she's lying.



  December 24:  6".  Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the
son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know
he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and
then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over everywhere I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to
sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.



  December 25:  Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas.  20 more inches of the
!=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.  Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil.  Damn, I hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The
wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's a fricking idiot.  If
I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to
stuff her into the microwave.



  December 26:  Still snowed in.
  Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea. She's
really getting on my nerves.



  December 27:
  Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze.  Plumber came after
14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all
my pipes.



  December 28:  Warmed up to above -50.  Still snowed in.  The BITCH
is driving me crazy!!!!!



  December 29:  10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb
does he think I am?



  December 30:  Roof caved in.  I beat up the snow plow driver.  He is
now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave
him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother.  9" predicted.



  December 31:  I set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.



  January 8:  Feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?


Thanks Heidi